Surviving Fabulously

Sooner or later, it was bound to happen.

I’d just popped in my contacts when it felt like a car crashed into a line of overloaded washing machines over and over and over again. Which is when I ran into the bedroom, grabbed Toby, and stood in our bedroom doorway. Toby farted. The ground kept shaking.

It only lasted five or so seconds, but it was a bizarrely disconcerting feeling to know that the very foundation on which we’ve built our lives was dancing a tectonic jig.

Then, last Thursday, as we watched crazy American Horror Story alien encounters and Jessica Lange’s futile attempts to defeat Satan, the ground rumbled again.

At first, I thought it was the aliens, then Jessica Lange. So only after ruling out aliens and starlets did I make the leap that it was, in fact, another earthquake.

One thing I’ve learned about California is this: if you’re ever in doubt that you experienced an earthquake, just open your windows and listen for the nearly immediate sound of news helicopters thrumming through the skies searching for a story.

So to put my mind at ease, and make use of some of the random crap we’ve hoarded away, I spent the better part of an afternoon assembling our earthquake kits. So, without further ado, here’re some of my recommendations for surviving fabulously (that is, if we’re still alive to take advantage of all of these preparatory measures).

(1) Water. Don’t feel like devoting a shelf of valuable storage space to water jugs? Use those extra decanters you have floating around — fill’em up.

Water water everywhere.

(2) Picnic items. Because every day is a picnic when you don’t have a kitchen anymore. And when else are you going to use that TWA silverware your grandmother apparently stole many moons ago?

Picnic prep!

(3) Knife, scissors, and blunt instruments. These are especially useful if the earthquake coincides with a zombie apocalypse.

(4) Can and wine opener. Because.

(5) Candles. Preferably nicely scented ones. Like ours: cinnamon bun, apple pie, key lime, and ylang ylang. Because there’s nothing that quite reminds you of home like ylang ylang.

Candles of all smells.

(6) Compasses and a map. Not that I’m the best at orienting. But if we’re talking a scenario like The Road, a compass can’t hurt. If nothing else, you can throw it at a crazed cannibal. And get an updated map. Not this cool one I found in a Deco pencil box.

Map it out.

(7) Toiletry bag. Because what else are you going to do with all of those swiped motel soaps and shampoos? And if you forget toilet paper, you’re a dumbass.

(8) Safety pins and Ziploc bags. Those pins kept your JNCO’s up in high school. They may do the same again.

(9) Batteries and cordless iPhone charger. (I bet you thought that charger was a vibrator. Which may also be necessary.)

Charge it!

(10) Record book. For all of the writers out there.

Record it all, y'all.

And don’t forget the puparoos. Even though I stocked Toby’s kit, he also made his own list.

Toby is prepared, y'all.

(1) All stuffd aminals. My Squirrel. Squirrel funny.

(2) Fud.

(3) Tweatz.

(4) Probiotic, so I dont haz explosive poo.

All joking aside (since I always turn to humor when I’m anxious, which is most of the time), the Big One is bound to happen sooner or later. And we may as well be as prepared as we can be.

And face it fabulously.

4 Replies to “Surviving Fabulously”

  1. Yeesh, and I was just going over your guys’ emergency bags again, reorganizing and adding some things. I’m almost done- just need some info from you guys to make up quick-reference contact information cards, and they’ll be good to go. Glad you’re already making your own preparations though. Add the insane first aid kits I’m putting together for your bags (I’m still debating whether you guys need both the QuikClot AND the Israeli army compression bandages), and you should be in good shape. Here’s a question – would you rather have a 1200 calorie emergency rations bar or an extra 8 oz water? Probably the water, right? I’m trying not to make the bags too big so that you don’t mind keeping them in your cars, and I’m getting tight on space.

    Also, did Andy miss out on yet another earthquake (he was still in OK, right)? He is going to be annoyed.

    1. AHHHHHHHHHH! I’m such a airhead — completely spaced on getting you that info! We’ll send that along shortly — and yes, we always love some water 😉 The first aid kits sound like they could basically help us withstand a zombie apocalypse 🙂

  2. I love how practical you are about your preparations, but one thing you need to add is a roll of gauze, plus duct tape. Also a crescent wrench to turn off gas lines (yours or neighbors), which can also be used like a hammer. You are fine being funny, but you’re also making some wise preparations. Hey, crap happens. Especially in California. Stay safe and keep writing.
    Love ya !

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