Duck, Duck, Cooked Goose

On the East coast, it’s just about time for the second wave of Duck Dynasty posts to start filtering across the Facebooksphere.

Everyone and their momma ‘n them will be talking about how it’s either (1) a tragedy that poor what’s-his-name-bubba done got his rights taken away, or (2) the worst affront to humanity since the perm.

And then there’s a percentage of the public — me included — who’s all like, “What’s a Ducky Dynasty?”  Still, when I hear that some yahoo is spouting off about how I’m going to some little fiery afterlife place because I like dick, it gets me a little riled up — the same way Toby gets when he has a chew toy and can’t figure out where in the hell to bury it in a city apartment.

Duck who?  I just want to find a place to bury this thing.

Now, though, I’m at the point where I’m wondering why America is all up in arms over what some bumbling bonobo is yammering on about.

Never mind that we have some slight economic ripples upsetting our national pond.

And don’t pay attention to the crazy-intense weather we’re experiencing on a global scale.

War, disease, famine?  They can all just take a backseat to this high-profile story.

Here’s the thing.  I’m so goddamn tired of the news zeroing in on the most inane bullshit that hits the fan.  The only thing that’ll make headlines is what a Kardashian said about the latest fall trend, or how she lost that baby weight after her fourth fling-husband-daddy figure-person left her and her bratty children.

Why not report on the good things that’re happening?

Why can’t great news be as sensationalized as the cray-cray nonsense of today?

I just don’t understand why I should be equally dismayed by The Huffington Post and CNN and NBC, nor why they seem to be getting just as absurd as Faux News.

Give me some Rachel Maddow or Jon Stewart or Parks and Recreation any old day to all of that Jabberjaw drivel.

Rather than bringing in pundits to dissect some ridiculous, laughably sad commentary by a guy whose beard is probably the final resting place of Jimmy Hoffa, I have the crazy notion that news personalities should take a step back and determine how we got to this point.

Why is television flooded with idiotic people?  Why are we content to have Americans tethered to their sofas, letting this crap soften their minds like a veal steak?

Why not start fresh — have shows with people who actually have some education behind them; who have more to say than incoherent grunts and fart jokes; who stand a chance of reaching some kid out there who’s surfing channels, hoping for a life preserver to keep them afloat in this dark, dank, ducky soup.

Regardless of how it all pans out, I know one thing.  I’ll keep myself as far away from cable as possible.

That is, until I can differentiate that smelly box from where a cat shits.

6 Replies to “Duck, Duck, Cooked Goose”

  1. Honestly, Matt, I just can’t understand your lack of sympathy for those poor ole Duck folk. They are certainly bein’ mistreated when they can’t express themselves without any concern for consequences, when the rest of us have to be so PC we hurt ourselves bending over backward. Meanwhile, you about did me in with the comment about Jimmy Hoffa’s final resting place !

  2. Because you are in the minority AGAIN. That’s not what the sheep masses want to hear and the mighty dollar is the bottom line. By the way, the bonobo does not appreciate your comparison to a duck. XO

    1. Hahahaha…oh, sheepy masses 😉 And poor bonobos — I did them a disservice. I’m always much more amenable to them than horrendous Bubbas 😉

  3. Great post! If you read the entire GQ interview, it becomes very clear that Phil Robertson has some really idiotic and warped views about EVERYTHING – not just the gay community … like when he said that Communists don’t know Jesus. Really? Yes, only money-grubbing Capitalists can be Christians. When I read it, I was like “Wow. He may have freedom of speech, but he really just needs to stop talking because he sounds like a total moron.” Unfortunately, though, a lot of Americans are on the same level. Ugh!

    1. I haven’t read much of anything about it — because I’m sure (like you) I’d just be dismayed at how stupid the majority of the public actually is. Le sigh 😉

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